You Nailed It, Erma!

In 1980, Erma Bombeck wrote an article entitled “The Special Mother”.  It was a tribute to the 100,000 mothers who gave birth each year to handicapped children.

In 1984, I gave birth to a son with Down Syndrome.

I don’t remember if I read Erma’s accolade before or after my Matthew was born, but I do remember when I did read it, my tears blurred the words so badly I could barely get through it. Erma really nailed it. How she did, not having a handicapped child herself, I don’t know. Did she interview professionals? Or doctors and experts? Research statistics or read formal theses? Or did she do what I think she did – just sit and observe and talk to these mothers one by one until her heart became one with theirs.

 

 

In the 38 years since she wrote this article, some things have changed. We now call our children “special needs” or “developmentally disabled” rather than “handicapped”, “retarded” or “mongoloid”. I heard a new phrase the other day I liked – “developmentally diverse”.  But unfortunately, the number of children in the U.S. born with disabilities each year has risen to 120,000. World-wide the number must be mind boggling.

I don’t know how Erma figured everything out, but she was right. I had to make my son live in my world instead of his when the Autism set in, and it wasn’t easy. Because of Matthew, I never took for granted a spoken word, or considered a step ordinary, and I’ve seen miracles every day. I have seen ignorance, cruelty and prejudice and fought against them, and worked to pass new laws in two states to protect these innocent children and adults. I would never have done this if it wasn’t for Matthew.

Whether or not I have patience, independence and am envied, I’m not so sure. And I’m not so sure I have a mirror instead of a Patron Saint. I believe my Patron Saints are all those special mothers who have gone on before me. I believe they are watching all of us “special mothers” on Earth, crying when we cry, laughing when we laugh, and cheering us on as we make each step with our children.

Because Erma was right. We’re never alone.

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“The Special Mother”
By Erma Bombeck

Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures and a couple by habit.

This year nearly 100,000 women will become mothers of handicapped children. Did you ever wonder how mothers of handicapped children are chosen?

Somehow I visualize God hovering over earth selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As He observes, He instructs His angels to make notes in a giant ledger.

“Armstrong, Beth; son. Patron saint…give her Gerard. He’s used to profanity.”

“Forrest, Marjorie; daughter. Patron saint, Cecelia.”

“Rutledge, Carrie; twins. Patron saint, Matthew.”

Finally He passes a name to an angel and smiles, “Give her a handicapped child.”

The angel is curious. “Why this one God? She’s so happy.”

“Exactly,” smiles God. “Could I give a handicapped child to a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel.”

“But has she patience?” asks the angel.

“I don’t want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she’ll handle it.”

“I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I’m going to give her has her own world. She has to make her live in her world and that’s not going to be easy.”

“But, Lord, I don’t think she even believes in you.”

God smiles, “No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect – she has just enough selfishness.”

The angel gasps – “selfishness? Is that a virtue?”

God nods. “If she can’t separate herself from the child occasionally, she’ll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn’t realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a ‘spoken word’. She will never consider a ‘step’ ordinary. When her child says ‘Momma’ for the first time, she will be present at a miracle, and will know it!”

“I will permit her to see clearly the things I see…ignorance, cruelty, prejudice…and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every of day of her life, because she is doing My work as surely as if she is here by My side.”

“And what about her Patron saint?” asks the angel, his pen poised in mid-air.

God smiles, “A mirror will suffice.”